Another Heaven-Birth

Last night we lost another 9 week baby. We don't know why, although we hope to get some kind of medical answer in the future. As we grieve we covet your prayers for our healing. Right now it seems like a reoccurring nightmare. This song could have come straight from my heart. Take some time to listen.

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

9 weeks

I am now 9 weeks pregnant. I'm not as worried about miscarriage now, but I can't get it out of my mind either. This is where I lost my last baby. The doctor told me I only have a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point. Ever notice how statistics like that are not too comforting? I mean what are the chances that I am one of the 5 women out one hundred that will go on to miscarry after a good ultrasound? There is no statistic to tell me that, so since it could be anywhere from 0 to 100, it's really is no help. This is why I believe in the sovereignty of God. Knowing the God who made me is in complete control of what happens, even to a baby the size of an olive, is what I hold on to.

An 8 week Belly Bean

I had my eight week ultrasound, and everything looks great! The baby is healthy, heartbeat is good, blood is flowing through the umbilical cord and placenta, and it measures right on for my due date! The Doctor said that we only have a 5% chance of miscarrying now. I am relieved but I still dreamed that I miscarried last night. I love this picture. I have to say it's awfully cute for an ultrasound! I will be seeing this doctor a few more times and have an ultrasound around 20 weeks to find out the sex. I am also going to see my midwife, Jill. We told the kids by showing them the picture and asking if they knew what it was. "A Baby!" Lily said. They are excited to have one of our "own". Now we are spreading the news, so feel free to pass on the good gossip!

8 weeks

Yeah! We've made it to eight weeks now, past where I had my first miscarriage and awful close to when I started my second (at 9 weeks). I'm less worried though now that I have stopped spotting and am only 4 days away from my ultrasound. The baby is developing little features now like elbows, ears, and eyelids. Getting cuter every day!

Yesterday I told my therapist we were expecting (she was shocked!) and I called my midwife, Jill, (who is never shocked). It was good to get those things out of the way. Jill asked if I was feeling hormonal and my answer is "Heck yeah"! I am actually a mess. I end up on the couch crying every night. I had to make some new rules for myself. No projects in the evening, lower my expectations for myself to be more realistic, and go to bed early. If I can follow those I might be able to prevent the crying at night. I'm getting a cold too, so that doesn't help. I've always been such a night owl so this is going to be a switch, but I think my body has already made the switch and I haven't been paying attention.

Ultrasound next week!

I just found out that I'll be getting an ultrasound next Tuesday! I have decided to go with an OB for the first trimester, and then switch to Jill and do a home birth. I want more monitoring this time around during this early part of my pregnancy. We can get a good idea if my dates are right, see if the baby's where it's supposed to be and see if it's healthy (if there's a heartbeat and if it's the right size). It will be a little scary because I've never gone this route before, but hopefully we will get a good report that will help to ease our minds.