13 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks, and the baby is the size of a Kiwi, (although not quite as fat or fuzzy).

Belly pics

I've made this blog public again, but I haven't felt much like writing lately so I haven't posted much. We have let our secret out, although it's still hard to tell people because I am still anxious about the pregnancy. I heard the heartbeat at my 11 week midwife appt., and everything is going fine. I even got pretty sick this time, which is a good sign for me. That's faded away now, and we are heading into the 2nd trimester next week!

5 weeks

I feel different so far in this pregnancy. One thing is my nausea is after I eat instead of before, and I want to eat totally different kinds of food than I did during my other pregnancies. I'm craving full-flavored meals and not snacky things like yogurt, fruit, crackers, etc. I've been taking extra B6 which I accidentally discovered works for the nausea. I also went on this crazy cleaning spree the other day and I was able to really focus on it and was not tired at all for the entire day. Dan asked me when Kathryn was coming home! My mood has been better than normal, except that when I do get upset about something, (usually at bedtime), I cry. I also want to go to bed earlier. I've decided to wait to see an OB until 20 weeks and then get an ultrasound. I'll probably be seeing my midwife at 10 weeks or so, if I make it that far. I think it will cause less worry to just wait and see if we make it past that critical part than if I started going in for checkups and early ultrasounds like I did last time.

I see two lines!

They're positive!

I am excited. I thought I wouldn't be after the loss but I am. We decided not to wait to try again because Lily was conceived right after my first miscarriage. And who knows, maybe that just works well for us. Anyway, so far so good. I'm not worried yet. I know that I can lose this baby at any time, but I am not going to worry about it right now. We are just happy to have another chance. Dan said "Well, Ok, we'll give this one a go!" So here we go again!

Another Heaven-Birth

Last night we lost another 9 week baby. We don't know why, although we hope to get some kind of medical answer in the future. As we grieve we covet your prayers for our healing. Right now it seems like a reoccurring nightmare. This song could have come straight from my heart. Take some time to listen.

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

9 weeks

I am now 9 weeks pregnant. I'm not as worried about miscarriage now, but I can't get it out of my mind either. This is where I lost my last baby. The doctor told me I only have a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point. Ever notice how statistics like that are not too comforting? I mean what are the chances that I am one of the 5 women out one hundred that will go on to miscarry after a good ultrasound? There is no statistic to tell me that, so since it could be anywhere from 0 to 100, it's really is no help. This is why I believe in the sovereignty of God. Knowing the God who made me is in complete control of what happens, even to a baby the size of an olive, is what I hold on to.

An 8 week Belly Bean

I had my eight week ultrasound, and everything looks great! The baby is healthy, heartbeat is good, blood is flowing through the umbilical cord and placenta, and it measures right on for my due date! The Doctor said that we only have a 5% chance of miscarrying now. I am relieved but I still dreamed that I miscarried last night. I love this picture. I have to say it's awfully cute for an ultrasound! I will be seeing this doctor a few more times and have an ultrasound around 20 weeks to find out the sex. I am also going to see my midwife, Jill. We told the kids by showing them the picture and asking if they knew what it was. "A Baby!" Lily said. They are excited to have one of our "own". Now we are spreading the news, so feel free to pass on the good gossip!

8 weeks

Yeah! We've made it to eight weeks now, past where I had my first miscarriage and awful close to when I started my second (at 9 weeks). I'm less worried though now that I have stopped spotting and am only 4 days away from my ultrasound. The baby is developing little features now like elbows, ears, and eyelids. Getting cuter every day!

Yesterday I told my therapist we were expecting (she was shocked!) and I called my midwife, Jill, (who is never shocked). It was good to get those things out of the way. Jill asked if I was feeling hormonal and my answer is "Heck yeah"! I am actually a mess. I end up on the couch crying every night. I had to make some new rules for myself. No projects in the evening, lower my expectations for myself to be more realistic, and go to bed early. If I can follow those I might be able to prevent the crying at night. I'm getting a cold too, so that doesn't help. I've always been such a night owl so this is going to be a switch, but I think my body has already made the switch and I haven't been paying attention.

Ultrasound next week!

I just found out that I'll be getting an ultrasound next Tuesday! I have decided to go with an OB for the first trimester, and then switch to Jill and do a home birth. I want more monitoring this time around during this early part of my pregnancy. We can get a good idea if my dates are right, see if the baby's where it's supposed to be and see if it's healthy (if there's a heartbeat and if it's the right size). It will be a little scary because I've never gone this route before, but hopefully we will get a good report that will help to ease our minds.

Living Hope

I was flipping through a magazine a few weeks ago. It was one of those very conservative Christian women's mags that gives you the idea that the only thing women can do is have babies and grow vegetables. The theme for this issue seemed to be miracle babies; stories of women (or men) who had been sterilized, or who finally adopted and then had babies. It was rather fascinating but something about it disturbed me. Often the women would have a scripture that they felt God was using to tell them they would have a baby. The stories went on to tell how they did, though sometimes many years later. My first reaction was highly skeptical. How many verses must there be that can be randomly selected and then interpreted to mean that a baby is being promised? But my next thought was more emotional; I am disappointed that I have lost pregnancies and haven't been able to have more kids. Who are these women to read a verse and assume they are going to have a baby? Eventually I moved on to a more rational opinion of this : Having a close, prayerful relationship with Jesus is to be treasured and desired above all else, and the Holy Spirit does use his word to guide us even in those sensitive emotional times. Sometimes we take scripture out of context to mean what we really want it to mean, but when we are truly seeking Him we can trust him to be our Rock.
Fast forward a couple weeks. I have a positive pregnancy test at 4 weeks with a dollar tree test! What do I think about this? I am excited but very scared. I really do not want to go through another miscarriage. I wonder how on earth, after a year and a half of waiting, we were able to conceive? I wonder if there is anything God can give me to help me hang on during this nerve wracking waiting period. He gave me 1 Peter 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade- kept in heaven for you."

Here's what I have been holding on to from these verses:

1. It is because of His great mercy that we have a living hope. If God gives a new life to me, why should I be fearful of death? My hope in him is living.

2. The babies that I have lost are being kept in heaven for me. I will see them someday. I have not lost them forever, they are being kept. So whether this one lives or dies, my hope is living and cannot be lost. It is beyond hoping for something...it is hoping in Someone who loves me and knows each of my little ones as his own.