5 weeks

I feel different so far in this pregnancy. One thing is my nausea is after I eat instead of before, and I want to eat totally different kinds of food than I did during my other pregnancies. I'm craving full-flavored meals and not snacky things like yogurt, fruit, crackers, etc. I've been taking extra B6 which I accidentally discovered works for the nausea. I also went on this crazy cleaning spree the other day and I was able to really focus on it and was not tired at all for the entire day. Dan asked me when Kathryn was coming home! My mood has been better than normal, except that when I do get upset about something, (usually at bedtime), I cry. I also want to go to bed earlier. I've decided to wait to see an OB until 20 weeks and then get an ultrasound. I'll probably be seeing my midwife at 10 weeks or so, if I make it that far. I think it will cause less worry to just wait and see if we make it past that critical part than if I started going in for checkups and early ultrasounds like I did last time.

I see two lines!

They're positive!

I am excited. I thought I wouldn't be after the loss but I am. We decided not to wait to try again because Lily was conceived right after my first miscarriage. And who knows, maybe that just works well for us. Anyway, so far so good. I'm not worried yet. I know that I can lose this baby at any time, but I am not going to worry about it right now. We are just happy to have another chance. Dan said "Well, Ok, we'll give this one a go!" So here we go again!

Living Hope

I was flipping through a magazine a few weeks ago. It was one of those very conservative Christian women's mags that gives you the idea that the only thing women can do is have babies and grow vegetables. The theme for this issue seemed to be miracle babies; stories of women (or men) who had been sterilized, or who finally adopted and then had babies. It was rather fascinating but something about it disturbed me. Often the women would have a scripture that they felt God was using to tell them they would have a baby. The stories went on to tell how they did, though sometimes many years later. My first reaction was highly skeptical. How many verses must there be that can be randomly selected and then interpreted to mean that a baby is being promised? But my next thought was more emotional; I am disappointed that I have lost pregnancies and haven't been able to have more kids. Who are these women to read a verse and assume they are going to have a baby? Eventually I moved on to a more rational opinion of this : Having a close, prayerful relationship with Jesus is to be treasured and desired above all else, and the Holy Spirit does use his word to guide us even in those sensitive emotional times. Sometimes we take scripture out of context to mean what we really want it to mean, but when we are truly seeking Him we can trust him to be our Rock.
Fast forward a couple weeks. I have a positive pregnancy test at 4 weeks with a dollar tree test! What do I think about this? I am excited but very scared. I really do not want to go through another miscarriage. I wonder how on earth, after a year and a half of waiting, we were able to conceive? I wonder if there is anything God can give me to help me hang on during this nerve wracking waiting period. He gave me 1 Peter 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade- kept in heaven for you."

Here's what I have been holding on to from these verses:

1. It is because of His great mercy that we have a living hope. If God gives a new life to me, why should I be fearful of death? My hope in him is living.

2. The babies that I have lost are being kept in heaven for me. I will see them someday. I have not lost them forever, they are being kept. So whether this one lives or dies, my hope is living and cannot be lost. It is beyond hoping for something...it is hoping in Someone who loves me and knows each of my little ones as his own.