13 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks, and the baby is the size of a Kiwi, (although not quite as fat or fuzzy).

Belly pics

I've made this blog public again, but I haven't felt much like writing lately so I haven't posted much. We have let our secret out, although it's still hard to tell people because I am still anxious about the pregnancy. I heard the heartbeat at my 11 week midwife appt., and everything is going fine. I even got pretty sick this time, which is a good sign for me. That's faded away now, and we are heading into the 2nd trimester next week!

5 weeks

I feel different so far in this pregnancy. One thing is my nausea is after I eat instead of before, and I want to eat totally different kinds of food than I did during my other pregnancies. I'm craving full-flavored meals and not snacky things like yogurt, fruit, crackers, etc. I've been taking extra B6 which I accidentally discovered works for the nausea. I also went on this crazy cleaning spree the other day and I was able to really focus on it and was not tired at all for the entire day. Dan asked me when Kathryn was coming home! My mood has been better than normal, except that when I do get upset about something, (usually at bedtime), I cry. I also want to go to bed earlier. I've decided to wait to see an OB until 20 weeks and then get an ultrasound. I'll probably be seeing my midwife at 10 weeks or so, if I make it that far. I think it will cause less worry to just wait and see if we make it past that critical part than if I started going in for checkups and early ultrasounds like I did last time.

I see two lines!

They're positive!

I am excited. I thought I wouldn't be after the loss but I am. We decided not to wait to try again because Lily was conceived right after my first miscarriage. And who knows, maybe that just works well for us. Anyway, so far so good. I'm not worried yet. I know that I can lose this baby at any time, but I am not going to worry about it right now. We are just happy to have another chance. Dan said "Well, Ok, we'll give this one a go!" So here we go again!

Another Heaven-Birth

Last night we lost another 9 week baby. We don't know why, although we hope to get some kind of medical answer in the future. As we grieve we covet your prayers for our healing. Right now it seems like a reoccurring nightmare. This song could have come straight from my heart. Take some time to listen.

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

9 weeks

I am now 9 weeks pregnant. I'm not as worried about miscarriage now, but I can't get it out of my mind either. This is where I lost my last baby. The doctor told me I only have a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point. Ever notice how statistics like that are not too comforting? I mean what are the chances that I am one of the 5 women out one hundred that will go on to miscarry after a good ultrasound? There is no statistic to tell me that, so since it could be anywhere from 0 to 100, it's really is no help. This is why I believe in the sovereignty of God. Knowing the God who made me is in complete control of what happens, even to a baby the size of an olive, is what I hold on to.

An 8 week Belly Bean

I had my eight week ultrasound, and everything looks great! The baby is healthy, heartbeat is good, blood is flowing through the umbilical cord and placenta, and it measures right on for my due date! The Doctor said that we only have a 5% chance of miscarrying now. I am relieved but I still dreamed that I miscarried last night. I love this picture. I have to say it's awfully cute for an ultrasound! I will be seeing this doctor a few more times and have an ultrasound around 20 weeks to find out the sex. I am also going to see my midwife, Jill. We told the kids by showing them the picture and asking if they knew what it was. "A Baby!" Lily said. They are excited to have one of our "own". Now we are spreading the news, so feel free to pass on the good gossip!